President Raul Castro of Cuba stunned the world today by offering to make Ted Cruz his heir apparent as the next Chief Executive of Cuba.
” Well, why not said Castro?” Nobody lives forever, not even communist dictators and can you imagine the mess Cuba will have on it’s hands if free elections are held after I’m gone? Yeesh !”
” Ted is a Cuban national by virtue of his birth so we claim him. Nobody up north likes him anyway. We have state run tv and media so Ted would be a natural fit. He can control the news and use it to his advantage. What’s not to like?”
Castro did add one more caveat to the deal for agreeing to take Cruz off America’s hands and hoped it was not perceived as a deal breaker.
” We want the Miami Marlins baseball team. The truth is no one in Miami likes them, no one goes to their games and frankly, they are a terrible team. We could stock it with homegrown talent. No more of that messy defector business. ”
“Fidel would be happy. He often reminisces about his younger days and how if he had only developed a changeup to go with his fastball and curve how he might have had a shot at the bigs. The sad reality is that a two pitch pitcher just can’t make it in the majors unless you’re a Nolan Ryan and how often do those guys come along?”
Castro continued,” Ted’s wife could run the Havana office of Goldman Sachs and believe me we could really use some solid if shady US investment. It’s a win – win for everyone involved.”
Cruz’s campaign was said to be mulling the offer while the US State Department and Major League Baseball gave the deal two thumbs up.
Finally Castro offered this: ” We don’t get foreign aid money anymore from Russia. Putin is broke. Russia is broke. The ruble is worthless. I told him, I said, Vlad, stop sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong but he doesn’t listen. So stubborn. Must be because they have like 9 and a half months of winter over there. It’s always sunny in Havana.”
“Just the other day Putin told me that my idea could start a whole new trend in international diplomacy and politics. He was already in talks with Trump to take over Russia since it was clear to him that he ( Putin) could not win another ” free” election, if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”
Wrapping up Castro said,” I say don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, whatever that means but we get a guy who desperately wants to be a president… anywhere and the US gets rid of him. Toss in the Marlins and we’re home free.”
Chris Christie said something but no one was paying attention.